What a treat! Perhaps this sounds sad, too, but getting the chance to focus on this piece of your fic is the best thing that happened to me today. And what I’ve read will stay with me, particularly the final hallway and bedroom scenes – so I’m really happy that they stayed with you ever since you started the story!
The very opening enchants me, of course. You make it so exciting... And you know that when we find out what this “can’t wait any longer” is about, I’m just more fascinated and moved. (Why haven’t I thought of making it so clear that Remus needs to eat a lot before the full moon? Well, now that I’ve completed my story, regret and envy are useless, and I can just enjoy reading your evocative description of his hunger. I wouldn’t have spelled out anything about proteins because it sounds too scientific and modern for my magical world – which doesn’t mean it wouldn’t suit yours.)
And I love Sirius here. I’m actually surprised how well he manages to back down and suggest and contend himself with something less than Marauding in the forest. Perhaps that exactly shows how worried he is about Remus.
And Molly. You continue to show the slow change in her attitude wonderfully.
Having read the comments above, I wonder what the quietness derives from and whether you’ve considered it beneficial. The atmosphere is truly effective like this. Perhaps, if you wanted to convey more dimensions in Molly’s experience of those days more vividly, you could have shown us at least a brief scene with some dialogue and action from the children. But I know we’re supposed to focus on these three characters, and since you are not developing any other plot, such a scene with children would not easily serve more purposes. Besides, when you alternate between these three perspectives, I must see it as a merit that it’s left for the reader to imagine how it would feel to share each of these moments with the other two characters.
You write so well and make your characters so real that they and your writing are the best company I could wish for.
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branchandroot
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Date: 2010-02-25 04:58 pm (UTC)The very opening enchants me, of course. You make it so exciting... And you know that when we find out what this “can’t wait any longer” is about, I’m just more fascinated and moved. (Why haven’t I thought of making it so clear that Remus needs to eat a lot before the full moon? Well, now that I’ve completed my story, regret and envy are useless, and I can just enjoy reading your evocative description of his hunger. I wouldn’t have spelled out anything about proteins because it sounds too scientific and modern for my magical world – which doesn’t mean it wouldn’t suit yours.)
And I love Sirius here. I’m actually surprised how well he manages to back down and suggest and contend himself with something less than Marauding in the forest. Perhaps that exactly shows how worried he is about Remus.
And Molly. You continue to show the slow change in her attitude wonderfully.
Having read the comments above, I wonder what the quietness derives from and whether you’ve considered it beneficial. The atmosphere is truly effective like this. Perhaps, if you wanted to convey more dimensions in Molly’s experience of those days more vividly, you could have shown us at least a brief scene with some dialogue and action from the children. But I know we’re supposed to focus on these three characters, and since you are not developing any other plot, such a scene with children would not easily serve more purposes. Besides, when you alternate between these three perspectives, I must see it as a merit that it’s left for the reader to imagine how it would feel to share each of these moments with the other two characters.
You write so well and make your characters so real that they and your writing are the best company I could wish for.